Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
