so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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