I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
