I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
