This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
