I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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