You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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