Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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