dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
