Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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