It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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