God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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