are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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