now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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