somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
