I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Randomize
