he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
