He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
