Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
