I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
