I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
