i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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