Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
