I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
