There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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