The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
