Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
