he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
