I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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