My girlfriend figured out who you are.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
