How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
