ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Oh god it's open bar.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
