I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
