Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Randomize
