Only a mothe r could love this liver
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
