I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
