We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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