Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you are never too drunk for berry picking
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
