If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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