I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
