is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
