my phone needs a breathalizer
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
