No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
