areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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