The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
