Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
