and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
