Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
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