Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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