At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
